Is your work finished by 10 AM but still have 7 hours of looking busy to fill?
Or maybe you hate your job, your boss, and your office, and you want to take sweet revenge with some hardcore slacking off?
Perhaps you’re quitting soon, and you don’t want to give any more of your precious time to THE MAN?
Regardless of your reasons you’re going to need to learn some techniques to look like you’re working if you’re to get through the day and not get fired. That’s why we’re here with a guide on how to look busy while doing diddly squat.
1. Disguise Digital Fun As a Spreadsheet
If you need evidence that you’re not alone in your need to chillax while appearing productive at work—check out the plethora of programs, apps, and sites, which will disguise your digital slacking as important work. You can transform Facebook, Twitter, Reddit and more into a boring looking spreadsheets.
You can even play a variety of computer games made to look like you’re busy tackling a number of Excel reports.
2. Make Your Computer Home Screen A Lie of Productivity
Open up some important docs, emails, meeting reminders, and anything else that looks important into a number of windows on your computer. Then take a screencap of your desktop (Windows logo key+PrtScn) and set it as the default image on the background of your work computer. Now if somebody walks by or or boss comes over for a chat while you’re making GIFs on MakeaGif.com or playing World of Warcraft, simply hit the Windows logo key+D to instantly switch over to your desktop—which is now camouflaged to resemble a crowded mess of productivity.
3. Use your Desk Phone as the Perfect Tool of Deceit
Waste a few minutes and set up how busy and important you are by reaching into your pocket and calling your work phone with your cell. Use the fake business call to explain loudly how busy and overworked you are but that you’ll push it to the max to take care of the issue by 5 o’clock today. Make sure you get a headset that can both take your work calls and connect to your cell via Bluetooth. Set up some more fake calls then put on a podcast or music from your cell and chill out to that while occasionally nodding and taking fake notes.
4. Connect your Work Computer to Your Cell’s Internet
Many employers block all of the fun websites and even those that don’t can track your browsing and see just how little work you’re doing. All smartphones let you broadcast your cell Internet signal so for heavy periods of dicking around take advantage of having your own portable modem for Internet access. If your work computer is WIFI compatible switch over to your personal web connection via your cell and get your porn on…errr….whatever it is you don’t want your boss to know you’re using online (i.e. porn).
5. Nap
With the right theatrics being away from your desk for periods at a time can create the illusion that you’re a busy person off performing important duties. So head for the occasional bout of shut-eye on company time. Numerous studies have proven that quick naps actually make you more productive, soooooo you’re doing your boss a favor when you sleep on the job. They may not see it that way so get a little sneaky. Find the least used, smallest, and most private meeting room and book it for a super important “meeting” which is really just your siesta. Or sneak out on lunch or break to your car or a nice park nearby. If your workplace has a Handicap only bathroom but no differently-abled employees, bring in your extra jacket and the “orthopedic pillow you have for your back” and use that restroom as your nap space. Or better yet if you have enough privacy just sleep under your desk
6. Outsource Your Job to China and India
If you are seriously devoted to chilling out at your job and doing nothing else you’re eventually going to be forced to produce some work. If you do any form of office or digital work you can outsource it to China or India for a fraction of your salary. We know that sounds nuts, but there’s a very popular “get rich” book called The Four-Hour Work Week that advocates doing just that (there we spoiled the book for you, you don’t have to read it.)
A few years back there was a huge news story about a programmer named “Bob” who spent years being praised as a high-paid model employee. According to the CNN report on the case, “Bob received excellent performance reviews of his clean, well-written coding. He had even been noted as the best developer in the building.” However, it turned out he had been outsourcing 100% of his job to China for years. He only got caught when a routine security check noticed that an address in China was accessing the company servers.
Here was Bob’s typical day at work:
9:00 a.m. surf Reddit, watch cat videos
11:30 a.m. Lunch
1:00 p.m. Ebay
2:00 p.m Facebook and LinkedIn
4:30 p.m. Send end-of-day e-mail update to management
5:00 p.m. Go home
This could be your life! Simply have someone else do all the work for you.
Be careful if you have a blogging job though. Occasionally your outsourced employee will be a smart ass and hide some sort of hidden message at the end of the article.
